I’ve Got an Idea, If Y’all Can Stomach It

Guest Author: Austri-Mina Puckett  September 5, 2017
Bribe Him to Leave

There is only one way to get Trump out of office.

We’d have to bribe him to leave.

Apparently there is no amount of terrible behavior that will knock the “President” off of his throne. It only makes sense given how even the most marginally rich are just not accountable the way the rest of us are.

(It would seem that the Police aren’t either, but that’s for another day.)

So what else could we possibly do? Violent overthrow just isn’t our MO anymore. Violence around the world is at a statistical all-time, historic low.

Yes it is.

YES it is too!

I KNOW it doesn’t seem like it, but have you EVER checked out a news article or documentary on “Everything is fine in (insert place name here)”?

No? Right! Why would you? That’s BORING.

(The  need for stimulation and entertainment causes us to seek shitty things out. THAT’S why all we tend to see are shitty things. I include myself in this! I read Ann Coulter’s tweets KNOWING she is just a snake that eats clicks to survive. )

We have slowly trended away from violence because it has been made apparent over the centuries that it only rarely works. We’re not as much masters of carnage as we used to be, but we’ve gotten pretty good at fund raising, and there are plenty of places around the world that would be happy to help us out, so I say we put a GoFundMe together and see just how much it would take to get him to happily fuck off. My guess is it wouldn’t take that much.

Hell, the budget of one summer blockbuster and I bet he’d even move to another country.

I can’t imagine that this would work for someone with real conviction, but conviction requires passion based in intimately knowing something and well….I mean….knowing things is tough, right? You’d have to, like, read things that don’t have your name in them….and actually, listen to experts….or have first hand experience in successfully doing a thing….you know…not Trump stuff.

If Trump were actually invested in solving any one problem I think we would all be somewhat on board for that at least, but all we’re seeing is knee-jerk, reptile brain leadership on some very important topics. The perfect example of this is immigration.

Kicking out everyone who isn’t from here or whose parents don’t have papers might LOOK like you’re doing something, but it doesn’t really solve the problem. Those people were here for a reason. They were able to build a life here for a reason. We know what some of these reasons are, but we are not seeing him trying to actually solve any of those problems.

Why do so many jobs need to pay someone so little?

Why do people who will accept so little need to move here?

What about the reason many people give for having ever supported him? What about America’s finances? The problems we are seeing now are monstrously complicated and that’s why conviction in really solving those problems would be tremendously valuable. It would take a lot of grit and guts to work through them.

All of them.

We’ve got inescapable poverty problems all across the country. If you get poor here, it is not likely that you, or your children, or your children’s children will ever get out of it. THAT is a massive financial problem for our country as a whole.

We have a production problem that is not being fixed by increasing jobs in the tech sectors.

We have a military spending problem that just HAS TO BE resolved.

How do we fix these things? I don’t know, and I don’t expect someone that I see as being like me could fix them either. We need people who are objectively better than the vast majority of us at figuring these things out.

Why would you vote for someone who is “like you” if YOU can’t even fix your own financial problems?!?



It would take someone special to fix our money problems, and if he has proven anything to me, Trump has proven that he is just a very, very, very ordinary man. He does and says things we hear and see average people say and do all the time. Being as terribly average (and maybe below) as Trump clearly is, let’s do the thing that we know will actually work.

We know the he won’t be tossed out because those in charge have made and do make it virtually impossible to get ousted. We have a law problem that we can’t fix because the laws benefit those who want to stick around and make more laws. We have a buddy problem in that the folks who make laws are overly concerned about who is and is not their buddy. Seriously y’all. Your “friendships” should not be a priority over practical decisions.

We know we can’t violently overthrow the government.

Excuse me.

We know we WON’T violently overthrow the government because we have lives that we’re trying to build here and getting obliterated by our own military would put a damper on things.

We know that trying to vote out the “swamp dwellers” isn’t working. I mean. We did that. It didn’t work. That is still sinking in for me. I mean….we did do it.

We out-voted him…

So what CAN we do? Well, we can play to his very apparent nature and make him the billionaire he’s always telling everyone that he is.

Let’s call actual billionaires and ask them to give to one of the most important charities of our time.

Let’s just bribe Trump to leave.

And Pence?

Fuck. Let’s just eat him. I dunno.


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